I am awesome.
Usually that would come right before I add “and single.” But for the first time (I’m erasing that 4 month snafu 4 years ago), I am not. I have a boyfriend. We’re approaching the one year mark, and I’m excited, but I can’t help thinking, “Is he right for me?” And Honestly, after going back and forth, scrutinizing everything that we do and do not have in common, comparing him to past guys who have hurt me, who I’ve always wondered “What if?” about, I’ve come to realize that I will never know until I know. Cryptic. Sorry, but it’s true.
At this very moment, while there are things I think may not work, I feel calm. Like that stuff doesn’t matter. I miss certain things: getting flowers, love notes, simple questions like How was your day? ….and as I list those things I get annoyed that he doesn’t do those things. But we’ve had our ups and downs. I’m at this stage where I fucked up, so I’m allowing him some… er… allowances. A good thing though: Apparently I want all that romance that I didn’t think I cared about. Being in a serious relationship has taught me that. He seemed romantic in the early stages, but it has stopped, and I’m not sure if it’s because I messed stuff up and have to build him up again or if he just doesn’t do that once he’s got the girl. I sure hope it’s the former. Honestly, part of the reason I messed things up accidentally is due in part to the fact that he stopped making those little romantic gestures that help me beat my insecurities, make me feel special, and remind me that he is a thoughtful, sweet, caring man. The other part is me trying to figure out that balance between independence and being in a relationship. Hard stuff, but I’m coming around. I just want to make sure that while I try to compromise and grow and learn to better not only myself, but our relationship, that he does too. Two way street. I hope he’s up for it.
Oddly, I had been avoiding resorting to any astrological advice on my love life ever since I started getting kind of obsessive with it, but I recently succumbed to checking our love matchiness (totally a word) and the results were actually helpful. We were more compatible than I thought and it removed some doubt and instilled some hope that we could actually work. Yes I am an over-thinker. So having some relief from the constant worry that we weren’t a good match was very needed. (Reading this back, I seem like a total idiot for not being able to tell if we’re good for each other on my own, but my head has been completely nuts up and down side to side about lots of stuff lately, and as I’ve been single for a long, long time, I am not used to those relationship feelings yet. So I need some help.)
But right, the quest. I think I started this post to declare my quest for stability, love, and awesomeness. Stability is in progress. Job search is shaky, but at least I have someplace to live and a place to move to in a few months that will be better. Awesomeness is inherent in me, but its expression is dependent on my attitude, and that is getting better, so…. Awesome! The Love? I’m trying the steady approach. I’m hoping that eventually he’ll want to share everything with me, think about me with fondness, and get that urge to shower me with little romances sprinkled throughout the week for no apparent reason except that he loves me and is thankful that I am in his life. Patience, young padawan. The theme of this quest is steady and slow. I have a good feeling about it. Here’s to traveling that hard road to happiness.
The Quest. Good luck.